Friday, January 27, 2023



                                                       WELCOME BACK!

Okay so I know we all have our traumas and we also deal with them differently. I get it, but can't we be functional fucked-up individuals? Let me tell you a story: 
In March 2011 some family members and I drove to Maryland to see my Grandma who had been hospitalized. I can't remember if there was a possibility she wouldn't make it and that's why we went, but she ended up being discharged that same afternoon we got to town. She was in good spirits during the time we stayed, but she passed away a couple of weeks after our visit. It had been one hell of a month for me and I am glad I had the chance to see her one last time. Still, it does not make it any easier not being able to attend the funeral and burial; that's the one thing my heart and I still struggled with for years, but I have acquired the skills to acknowledge the facts, accept the reality, and move forward. 
Here's the kicker - I was at work when I received the call for me to say my goodbyes. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I locked myself in my office, I sobbed, I cried, I said what I needed to say, I wiped my tears and I went back out to keep working. The show must go on. I had a responsibility as the manager, and only other staff on duty, to keep the store running. No time to mope around telling others your business. I had a job to do; that's what I'm getting paid for. I did go back to the office a few times when I started to choke up, but I composed myself and put on a smile until the end of the shift. If I was able to get through something like that, why can't anyone else get through a normal rough day at work? Where is their motivation or their drive? Or do they even have one? What's their purpose in life? Where are they headed?

In twenty years of working in the real world, I have encountered many types of people and their reasons for holding a job - from college students paying for school, single parents, immigrants, court order halfway house residents, minor students,etc. You name it, I'm sure I have met them and they all had a reason to keep going. Sure they had their bad days, we all do, but never let them blur with the good days. Needless to say they are in a better position now and they are striving for more. No rest for the wicked.
I also met some unfortunate souls such as dead-ends, lack of education, lost in their path, and others still figuring their lives as they go - and that's OK. We just have to either accept the reality we live in and make the best of it because we are going nowhere, or we die trying to get ourselves out of that position. No day but today. 

The thoughts above mentioned came from my recent inner analysis, a judgmental view I wanted to write about and get it out of my system. It is toxic and I cannot have it in my life. In all honesty, I am being judgemental of certain people who float through the day doing the bare minimum and get upset when their management provides them with feedback; certain people who wears their emotions in their sleeves and allow their emotions to run (and possibly ruin) their day. Again, it is my judgement and I will continue to work on this, but I thought I can't be the only bitchy bitter person in an office setting trying to do your best while others keep getting their feelings hurt because they are not getting what they want - which for them it means "I'll do what I want whenever I want to, if I even feel like it, while I have fun with my newfound friends". Like, you're pushing forty with young children, no further education, and lack of initiative and accountability! GET IT TOGETHER. You are in no position to be this picky. It's not cute at this stage in your life. 
And just like any other therapy session - this reaction to that trigger is always about me. I might be just talking about me! Who knows! I am hard on myself and I think that mindset has taken me places I didn't think I could get. So why can't bitches do the same? I'm talking from experience. I was 'bitches' at some point in my life so I know what it's like, but I have not let my circumstances define my life. I still have A LOT to learn and to apologize for. It's hard work, but not impossible. You just gotta keep on going...

[ ...Relax. Take It Easy. ]

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