Hey Omaha! What's Going On!
So today I want to talk about fashion - I HAVE NONE.
I have not bought an actual new piece of clothing for me in like... I can't even remember!
When I first met my (now) husband, I used to wear a lot of Abercrombie, Hollister, Banana Republic, American Eagle. He says at some point he thought I had money. Ha! Joke's on him if he thought he was marrying a trust fund baby (kidding! We laugh it off). My secret? GOODWILL!
For the longest time I was embarrassed to tell anyone I bought my clothes from the Goodwill. I didn't pull off the whole hipster look so I went for the easiest and dressed like everyone else. I don't think I had actually bought anything from the actual brand stores (except for a cologne for my husband YEARS AGO!). Oh, I almost forget, I did get some clothes from EXPRESS, but that's only because I worked there and we had a decent discount. After I quit, I did not go back to buy anything else. It's ridiculously expensive. No thank you.
As I analyzed the situation, I come to the conclusion that it's not necessarily about the clothes or the prices. It's about the way I see myself which does not come as shock. I have had body issues since I was thirteen years old. It's been a rollercoaster living with an eating disorder. I was ashamed to admit it even to myself. "Eating disorders only happen to women", I used to think. It's taken me this long to come to terms and accept this part of my life. It's still in the back of my head and I am working on it with my therapist, but it is a process. One thing brings another one and the snowball effect gets bigger each session. The lesson to take from today's post, though, is that I recognized my privilege to afford mental health and I forced myself to seek for the help I knew I needed.
I've battled with this disorder since I was thirteen years old. Damn, that's a little over two decades! Some of you have seen me lose weight and gain it right back. It's unhealthy. It is not my intention to glamorize eating disorders. It is not for attention. On the contrary, this comes from the bottom of my heart and with so much fear that you might think less of me. I am working on being vulnerable and this is as raw as it can get online.
I have started to dress like an old man now, I've noticed lol
I love bowties (but I am taking a break from them due to current trigger situations).
I went from skinny jeans to fit slacks or straight fit denim. From funny Spencer's T-shirts to long sleeve or solid color shirts. Yes, I accept I look decent, but the voices in my head scream otherwise.
No, my trigger situations have NOTHING to do with how I look, or my clothes, or my reflection on the mirror. It's more on my compulsive behavior to control my life; in simple words, it's a punishment. Once again, I am speaking from my personal experience. Eating disorders are complex and I am not an expert to explain anything further.
Just know that I am doing my best and I will continue on my path to full recovery.
For today, I am OK, Life is OK, and it will be OK.
[ ...Relax. Take It Easy ]