Monday, March 8, 2021





    I notice we have been talking about very heavy things in the past posts so I thought I could go through my 'LIKED' Playlist ON Spotify and choose the first seven songs on Shuffle and tell you why I heart them. What do you think? Well, I'm still going to do it,  so... yeah... here we go!

1. "PELIGROSO" By Nick Bolt.
    This song is the closing credits for the movie 'SIN FILTRO' ('UNFILTERED') from Chile. It was funny and heartfelt. After having one hell of a day, a thirty-something-year-old woman learns the consequences from saying everything she ever kept to herself. The song talks about being free and not giving a fuck (which does not mean we don't care; on the contrary, we are OK with being different). It's just a powerful song.

2. "FAT, FEM, AND ASIAN" By Lucian Piane.
    Originally created for the final lip-synch of Kim Chi after placing Top 3 in the RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8. Based on the negative stereotypes of the Asian community in dating apps, Kim Chi left us gagging with such a beautiful gown, make-up, and last minute of the performance. 
Why did I heart this song? Well, it's another powerful song. It reminds me to continue to be myself because there is no one else like me.

3. "LAMENTO BOLIVIANO" By Los Enanitos Verdes.
    Ever since I can recollect memories I have been super dramatic (gasp in gay). Shocker. I can't remember how old I was the first time I heard this song, but I know I connected with the rhythm. It took me places lol I don't know how to explain it. Of course, the lyrics in the first part of the song was my hymn growing up and I don't know why. I mean, I had a decent childhood. Basically, it states that no matter how many times I'm pushed around, I will keep on going. 
I am talking my childhood through with my therapist and there are a few things I need to confront and 're-wire', but it's going to be hard work. We have touched a couple things and I don't think I am ready quite yet. I guess there is something in my so-called 'normal' growing up. 

4. "EL RECUENTO DE LOS DANOS" By Gloria Trevi.
    Gloria is one of my favorite singers of all time. Some may know the decade-long story  that  ended her career. After her acquittal on lack of evidence and release from jail,  Gloria strikes back and resumes her career with the support form her fans who never doubted her innocence. I believe this particular song clearly describes the toxic relationship she had with her manager - from the physical and sexual abuse, to the horrific memories of miscarriage.
I told you I am dramatic! Anyway, Gloria really gets you in your feelings when you listen to this song. 

5. "THIS MORNING" By Lucas Nord.
    I guess I really liked the beat of this song because I have no recollection of it haha 
It's very catchy and chill so I am not surprised why I heart it. Although some people might think I'm just being pretentious because I want to be the first in my friend group to know of a singer. Or because I find the singer attractive. And they're not wrong, but still... lol kidding. I'm just saying, if I like a song, I like the song. There is nothing else to it. One huge example of this - I had no idea what Phillip Phillips looked like or where he came from; I just knew I like the song "Home". The rest was a plus. 
Anyway! I still don't know who Lucas is or what he looks like. I just listened to the song again and I can see why I added it.

6. "TURN IT UP" By The Wrecks.
    I do not recollect when I started liking this band, but I looked into it and their music just resonated with me and I kept on listening. Twice they came to town and I couldn't make it to either one - even when I already had tickets and I was ready. Damn anxiety! I WAS READY TO GO, Y'ALL! But I just couldn't get myself out the door. I regret it every time I remember, but I can't explain to you how much stress I was under just thinking about it.
It's like, I want to breathe and it's too much air to inhale and I can't manage to take one breath at the time. It's having a rock on your chest and can't move your stomach gets smaller and your insides threaten to come out shooting out your mouth, but they don't; they just sit in your throat. And you sweat and you shake and your heads pounds and every pore in your skin opens up and you can feel them emanate the heat and the cold at the same time, but not really. 
So yeah, that's the story behind The Wrecks.

7. "HISTERIA" By Lali.
    Another song that I have no idea how it got to my playlist, but I still like.

But yeah... this is it. 
What are some songs you like and why?

[ ...Relax. Take it Easy. ]

Thursday, March 4, 2021


                                                                       Hey Omaha! What's Going On!


    If you're reading this, thank you for taking the time. I will continue to write in a weekly basis - I know, I know, I've said that before. This time I will keep my word. What's different this time around, you may ask? Well, I have recently been reminded that my job as a writer is to write and send it out to the world - what happens after that, it's none of my business. The audience will have their own opinion and perspective. That's the difference this time around. I have been empowered and I am going to keep on going.

    I have been busy rolling with the punches that COVID brought upon the healthcare field. It's been a roller-coaster of emotions. It's been a WHOLE YEAR since the world shut down and I think most of us have accepted our new normal. Yet I still believe it will go back to what it used to be. I am tired - mentally and physically. While others out in the world bitch about having to wear a mask or quarantine, I have not had a day off. Don't get me wrong, I am aware of the privilege I hold in life during these times. I am thankful to have a job while others have lost it and others do not qualify for any kind of financial aid.

    After everything the world has been through and the many loved ones we have lost, all we ask of the world - especially in Omaha - is to help us stop this. Hospitals are overflowing, nurses and doctors are overworked. Please wear your mask, keep your distance, avoid crowded areas, sanitize, consider getting the vaccine, and keep yourself and loved ones safe. 

That being said...

  I've been watching a lot of self-help videos. God knows I need it. Even though I still feel weird talking about having a therapist, I want to help break the stigma about Mental Health. There is nothing wrong with seeking for help. 
I have recently started enjoying writing again and keeping a journal with things that keep me motivated so I don't lose them and keep on grinding.  

It has also been a year since Charlie passed and his absence still hurts every day.  But I keep reminding me to NEVER GIVE UP AND DO IT ALL IN HIS MEMORY.

I have been supporting local and independent artists. Sure the House-Hold names have lost millions having to cancel their tours this past year, but imagine all the openers who depended on those gigs to get their names out there. The local names are also experiencing the loss. 
So as much as I can, I support. More than anything, I support because I enjoy their art.



      ^ <<----- WAYWARD has been a good outlet these past months. He puts out such a positive vibe and I am living for it. He holds LIVES on Facebook to keep in touch with his audience and plays some music, including a freestyle at the end of the Live with words that the audience gives him (awhile back, he included my dog Frankie in his song lol). It's the little things that make a difference in times like this. I also got a unicorn drawn on the album cover that I purchased lol

And, of course, our local artists.



Art by J.Hallberg
J. Hallberg, 2021


The Husband & The Brother.

  On the personal side, we had Game Night with the cousins every Friday since June and I looked forward to it. Then I started to skip them. It's hard pushing myself to leave the house. I have to fight The Voices in my head frequently to make it out of bed. I won most of the time though! I gotta get back on that horse. I gotta continue to spend time with the fam.
I have been on a high recently so I am taking advantage of it to resume my writing and start new projects such a podcast, photography, and documentaries. I know I might lose the drive at some point, I just know myself too well, but that's when I'll have to work overtime to get out of that funk. I know I can do it. I have to and MUST do it. That's the attitude :)

                                                                                                                               [ ...Relax. Take it Easy. ]

Monday, March 1, 2021


Hey Omaha! What's Going On!


So today I want to talk about fashion - I HAVE NONE.

I have not bought an actual new piece of clothing for me in like... I can't even remember!

When I first met my (now) husband, I used to wear a lot of Abercrombie, Hollister, Banana Republic, American Eagle. He says at some point he thought I had money. Ha! Joke's on him if he thought he was marrying a trust fund baby (kidding! We laugh it off). My secret? GOODWILL!

For the longest time I was embarrassed to tell anyone I bought my clothes from the Goodwill. I didn't pull off the whole hipster look so I went for the easiest and dressed like everyone else. I don't think I had actually bought anything from the actual brand stores (except for a cologne for my husband YEARS AGO!). Oh, I almost forget, I did get some clothes from EXPRESS, but that's only because I worked there and we had a decent discount. After I quit, I did not go back to buy anything else. It's ridiculously expensive. No thank you. 

As I analyzed the situation, I come to the conclusion that it's not necessarily about the clothes or the prices. It's about the way I see myself which does not come as shock. I have had body issues since I was thirteen years old. It's been a rollercoaster living with an eating disorder. I was ashamed to admit it even to myself. "Eating disorders only happen to women", I used to think. It's taken me this long to come to terms and accept this part of my life. It's still in the back of my head and I am working on it with my therapist, but it is a process. One thing brings another one and the snowball effect gets bigger each session. The lesson to take from today's post, though, is that I recognized my privilege to afford mental health and I forced myself to seek for the help I knew I needed.

I've battled with this disorder since I was thirteen years old. Damn, that's a little over two decades! Some of you have seen me lose weight and gain it right back. It's unhealthy. It is not my intention to glamorize eating disorders. It is not for attention. On the contrary, this comes from the bottom of my heart and with so much fear that you might think less of me. I am working on being vulnerable and this is as raw as it can get online. 
Me & BFF - NYE 2020

I have started to dress like an old man now, I've noticed lol
I love bowties (but I am taking a break from them due to current trigger situations).
I went from skinny jeans to fit slacks or straight fit denim. From funny Spencer's T-shirts to long sleeve or solid color shirts. Yes, I accept I look decent, but the voices in my head scream otherwise.
No, my trigger situations have NOTHING to do with how I look, or my clothes, or my reflection on the mirror. It's more on my compulsive behavior to control my life; in simple words, it's a punishment. Once again, I am speaking from my personal experience. Eating disorders are complex and I am not an expert to explain anything further. 

Just know that I am doing my best and I will continue on my path to full recovery. 
For today, I am OK, Life is OK, and it will be OK.

[ ...Relax. Take It Easy ]


Eating Disorder Hotline Listings
If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911 immediately.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
stressed woman sits covering face at desk with phone
Call: (800) 273-TALK (8255)
En Español: 1-888-628-9454

ANAD Eating Disorders Help Line
Call: (630) 577-1330

National Eating Disorders Association Information and Referral Helpline
Call: 1-800-931-2237
Chat: NEDA Click-to-Chat
Crisis Text Line: text “NEDA” to 741741

1. " I'm 30-something... NOW WHAT?"

Welcome to the Gun Show.

Mandy - Amigos X Siempre

As you can tell, my fashion style has been non-existent from the beginning. I wore whatever I could afford and hoping that I could pull it off. Now, as a thirty year old, I cannot afford this 'luxury' 😝
What can I wear? The skinny jeans that were in back in the day are not longer an option. I see dudes my age and they have their own style and it looks good on them. I am unsure what works and what doesn't. I know! At my age AND being gay. You would think I would have it all figured out; well, I am here to tell you, even I go through the "I have nothing to wear" situation every time I have to wear pants.

The Wolfpack

I used to ask my younger brother to dress me so I wouldn't look TOO GAY, but in all reality, I liked his style better. They copied my handwriting back then so it was only fair. 

So tell me, what can I wear that won't me look like a fuck boy, but it's my age and it looks decent? I think the way I look in my picture with The Wolfpack is not too bad. I don't look like a grandpa, but I don't look like a Kris Jenner (you know, trying to be young and hip). 

This being said, I want to transition into the main topic.
What am I supposed to be doing at this point in my life? I kind of had an idea, but it just didn't work out the way I planned. Am I the only one with this concern? Are you completely content with where you're at in life? Most of my friends have kids and the whole white picket fence, and I am genuinely happy for this; but was this what you had in mind? Is there anything else you can add to your life now that would make it even better? What is it and how can you accomplish this? Why haven't you started working towards it then? These are the questions I keep asking myself. The same questions I keep writing down in my journal, year after year. 
The novel I continue to say I am working on, still in process.
Buying a house? Still unsure if we want to stay in Nebraska.
Owning a business? No idea what kind of business.
Kids? I'm too young and I still have plans that do not include children.

I cannot be the only one with this dilemma.
Either way, this is about me and I need to stop writing about it and get it going. Don't get me wrong, I am living the life I wanted to - the gay white picket fence (which is in the eye of the beholder). I am one of the lucky ones and I am grateful. Yet there is still so much more I can do to improve. There is always something we can do day by day. Remain positive and take the time to smell the flowers during those tough and busy times.


[ ...Relax. Take it Easy. ]